nourishment from all inside

and only if i could.

thaoeeee — Fri, 14 May 2010 07:53:49 +0000

I’m holding on too much.. i feel all the pressure inside of me to do the right thing, find the right people, experience something more. I always find myself tracing back into the past, finding things and picking them out to bring back into my present. I’m not good at letting go, im not good at forgetting, and im not good at holding it all in. I wish i was a mind reader i wish i knew what was going on through your head. I wonder all the time if you think of me in the morning before you wake, before you fall asleep. I wonder if you think about the time when you would wake up to me in your arms. the way you would kiss my cold nose. I wonder if you miss how i cuddled against your body to keep my cold body warm. The way you would talk to me all through the night. How you would grab my hand and make me feel like we make the world jealous of our love. Do you miss the way i give you that look that makes you go crazy…. If only i could read your mind.

there are so many things i could want and have but i choose to want you to be with you to love you.

Grow up!

thaoeeee — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 01:02:47 +0000

aww how cute is this its like snowing on the wordpress page! i like it.

well anyways, so much grab people want to bring in my life. Can’t you just grow up and quit being so stupid about shit. i don’t know whats wrong with people, go ahead a talk all you want and do your stupid ass laugh. Im not goign to act like your life matters to me or what you do. I don’t even know you so grow up with your stupid ways and why don’t you do something better with your time. I don’t even know you and your going to give me shit, THANKS FOR YOUR EFFORT.

anyways enough wasting my time on this subject. AHHH SCHOOL IS ALMOST OVER THANK GOOODDDDDNESSS!!!! ah! christmas is almost here time for SNOWBOARDINGGG!! im lazy good nightt

shot down.

thaoeeee — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 02:32:29 +0000

What do you expect in people lately? you can’t even define who your real friends are from the fake ones? Dependency isn’t what i’m looking for, im tired of depending on you or YOU. it doesn’t matter anymore i guess. Good, bad eh can’t even define what is good and bad when its all mixed up in one silly situation. I believe im done with all of the bullshit.

I got my own thing, i do what i do to get what i want. Comprende?! why believe in a best friend when he can’t even be there? honestly i lost hope in myself to believe i can have a bestfriend. I’m a solo person. No ones gonna dodge a bull for you, no ones going to risk their life for you, honestly thats some real bullshit people feed you. You are the only person that can save your own life. Stick to yourself, cause you cant take back time.

ketchup!

thaoeeee — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 01:00:34 +0000

WEll well i haven’t blogged in such a long time! HAPPY SUPER LATE HALLOWWEEEENN! AHAHAH

Monster massive was fuckn crazy assss shit. I’m not going to lie i was to cracked the fuck out hahah! but i had a bomb ass time even thought i left a bit early.. It was kind of a hit of reality that shit does happen to you when your at these things popping these things. They fuck you up like nothing… Its kind of a shocker to actually see someone laying on the floor screaming and going crazy beacuse they popped one wrong pill that can mess up their whole life. I’m glad im not in the hospital :]

I spend most of my hours with my boyfriend driving around going to the most randomest places at random times… No wonder how people can be so broke in a relationship.! hahah But its all goood i get some goodies out of it ahahha ;] I think on the regular basis i go to the mall 4 times a week. ahahh

My little baby that i been spending my time with! aww i love her so much and her heavy self! god sometimes i just wish they can walk right when they are born just so u arms and side won’t hurt so much from carrrying them around the mall for 2 hours! hahah

Havent smoked in a while ;] AYYAYA MEE!!!!! i think it has been 2 weeeks! whhaaaaaa!! hahaha i don’t wanna be around it anymore and smell like booty ass weeeds and have cotton mouth. I think ill lay low on that shittt. I mean its good and all but i find it not necessary to smoke all the time just becauze you got nothing to do… I got shit to do and places to go so lemme just go this year without some drugs haha

blank spaces

thaoeeee — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 06:09:32 +0000

i catch myself staring into blank space, yet i can’t seem to find any sort of anything to fill it in. I’m saying in general the past is the past, but its just the one thing that keeps me wondering all the time.. How do you loose so much in so little time that we give ourselves.. How does going from being fun and laughter to finding myself now, right here… with empty feelings. I put myself through so much to get where i am, and i feel like im giving up so quick… There is so much that i can do, but it never comes around… I lost so many opportunity that i don’t even know where to start anymore, good friends.. Great friends that i haven’t talked to in ages.. everythings so different, its always going to be different when you grow up… or is it just me? Am i different from everyone else, because i honestly feel like a lost soul right now… I can’t really pick and choose what anything this world has to give because i really don’t know what i want.

Nourishment… thats want i want.. from words to body to the heart. i want it to penetrate me deep. I always thought i don’t need anyone anybody to be with me or have my back. I always had my own thing going on. Money was my only friend that i needed. With the bills i get the car i got and the life i live.. i could care less about anybody outside my world. but money was never greater than love.. yeah you buy something you say “i love it i want it” you get it… couple days, weeks, months go by what happen to loving that thing.. it dies, just like everything else in the world. I want to love something that grows, so my love to grow on them. thats what nourishes me.

i like to think about all the guys i been with liked so much, been with for so long… What happen, how does things die so quick and easy… how can a person let go so quick… I’ll tell you.. not enough effort, you put effort in the things you want to get it, once you have it, there really no point of trying to get it when you already have it. you get tired of things, things get boring so you start to let go, loose feelings. etc…. people treat people like little things you can buy at the 99cent store. play with it once throw away later. How does a person do that knowing they known a person for so and so years or months.

I’m sorry, if i ever hurt you in any way or matter. It was never my intentions to… i didn’t want to force anyone to fall in love with me.. i quite honestly wish to stay away from the word “love” its so complex that its hard to manipulate. i’ve been hurt before and its not an easy situation to be in.. still i blame myself for so many wrong things, even if they weren’t my fault. you can’t do much but to keep living the way you did before you met that person.. I’m the type of girl that if you hurt me in a certain way ill do it back.. I’ll do it just so i can be in your position and know how it feels. And i hate that about myself, because i honestly don’t need to k n ow how it feels. i just feel really sorry for hurting anyone that i have done even if they didn’t do anything wrong. Im just a fucked up girl… i don’t think i deserve much in my life from anyone.

gain and loose

thaoeeee — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 06:33:28 +0000

I’m scared to loose everything just knowing how much effort i put in it to make things get like this… I dont want it to go to waste. Friends and family, lovers and love ones. I don’t want to fuck up at all, i dont want to fuck anyone over as well. As much as i wish to help someone in life, as much as i want to see someone happy im not sure if i can do that without hurting someone else. Theres always a consequence to every happiness….

weeeeeeeee…..d

thaoeeee — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 06:09:53 +0000

dayNnite

Theres nothing better then having some green for some green. nothing is ever a better feeling then anything better then the feeling im having. Who would have ever thought about smokin trees my niggaaa?? hahaha.

But gotta say this week is gonnabe crackin! crackn in san bernardino nahhhh… YEAHHH FUCCCK YEAHHH!

gottaaaaaaa my monster tickets, Who the FUCK IS GOING?!

i wanna sleep just about now, but im fckn lazy to get up and off haha…… this blog is pointless. =////

I need money, and a job. Who wants to hook it up? freal tho man…. well not reallly but HAHAH i do need money.

FML SATs on saturday… getting blown fridaynight….. studying all thursday evening.

okay i’ll fckn Score a high highh highh asss score! ahhahahfkjasdfhkjasdfhajkdn’aoihd

aksdjfklash;jgkbavckjsanfiwoi i honestly wish you guys understand how im feeeln HAHAH!

remember

thaoeeee — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 11:42:32 +0000

those xangas? haahaaa just decided to open it up and read through all the messages and comments and ran across this comment that still from this day makes my eyes water like hell. just want to tell you im sorry for everything.

between

thaoeeee — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 00:32:35 +0000

Im happy, talking to you and getting to tell you everything that happen between the days, months, years that we missed out in eachothers lives.

cycle.

thaoeeee — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 05:44:45 +0000

everything seems to goes back to you, this, problems, situations. I keep finding myself running in circles, yet i can’t find the way out. PULL ME OUT OF THIS SHIT. And i’ll keep telling myself I’m done, im done im done. Why are you still standing here then? i’m weak at letting go, but i know im strong with words. It takes a whole world to make me believe in the world. The things we say to eachother, …”i trust you.” “were just friends its nothing” “I LOVE YOU”… these words plays so much games with actions, its unbelievable to see how a relationship last “FOREVER”… or like how everyone likes to use it in every Love word. Forever is too long, forever doesn’t last….

yet the cycle repeats, we fall in love, we fall out of love, we find love, we want our past love, its all a cycle. Relationships are a cycle… Theres no way of changing it,because we are all people, we fight, love, makeup, and repeat the same thing over again. ..